Letting my ideal life go...

Monday, July 7, 2014

My guilty pleasure this past year has been scrolling through instagram while nursing Paloma. I follow mostly moms with similar life philosophies.  I love getting to peek into their lives. Picture after picture of glowing kids running through fields, laying on old quilts reading stories out loud, their homeschooling adventures.  Beautiful pictures taken by adoring moms who obviously read their camera manual, something I never got around to doing. This isn't meant to be an attack on these women or instagram as a whole, but rather how my scrolling through pictures of other peoples lives makes me envious of a life I thought I wanted.  

I've had to say to myself over and over, oh yeah that's not my life.  My life right now is not glowing and it doesn't look like exactly how I imagined it. On most days my oldest can't remember a dang thing.  Little things like, hey did you remember to take a bath become a battle with her. The brain injury she suffered nearly five years ago still wreaks havoc on our family.  My middle child is fiercely independent, not by my doing but simply because she has always had to be.  She has always seemingly gotten the short end of the stick.  She spent her first year of life living in a  hospital room.  If I am being honest on most days she hasn't bathed and she notoriously dresses herself like a crazy person.  She is our little ragamuffin.  Then there is the baby, who at any given moment could go into a seizure. Simple trips to the library or store have me paralyzed in fear that she will seize in public and I will have to pull out the Valium and force it to her to make it stop. I replay the scene in my head, worried patrons gathering around  offering to call 911, then I look up and say, no this happens all the time, this is my life. 

Somewhere recently I've had to let go of this idea of my perfect life and embrace my reality.  It is at times completely chaotic, messy and scary. Now we are all desperately trying to figure out how to navigate this new life we have been given.

I don't think it's a coincidence that my nursing phase in life is dwindling down leaving me less time to scroll mindlessly through other peoples lives.  I have my own life to live and it might not look like what I thought, but I have to live it the best way I know how.



Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?  -Mary Oliver


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