Taking care of yourself

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

I would like to write an ongoing series about how to take care of yourself physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually when you have a special needs child.  However, I am not in any place to give advice in that area yet.  People keep telling me, "make sure you're taking care of yourself."  And I honestly don't know how to do that anymore.  Most days my life feels out of control and when I look in the mirror I hardly recognize myself anymore. My face looks sunken in, my eyes like a strangers.

I have always been interested in health.  I was a vegetarian for ten years and for the most part give or take except during my fat, drinking, smoking years, I have always taken pretty good care of myself. 

But how do you do that when you have PTSD from almost loosing one kid then constantly being afraid of loosing another? How do you do that when you are so tired.  It's not being tired like after having a baby, although that is hard.  It's a tiredness that never goes away. Like many Dravet kids, Paloma has never been a good sleeper and the added medications don't help. Normally around 2 am she wakes up crying and it takes a good couple of hours to get her to go back to sleep.  Also, I am terrified most nights to go to sleep for fear of waking up to a seizure, or missing a seizure and her dying.

We have gotten into some bad habits as a family.  After being devastated over and over this past year after each seizure we turned to Dairy Queen and fried foods.  I'd never really eaten much fast food before.  I am ashamed to admit it's only Wednesday but I have eaten out three times already this week. Yes, I gave up on my fast.  It was hard, I am weak.   I know it's wrong, I know it's not healthy but I don't know how to turn it around.  But I know I have to be strong to take care of my kids.  I just don't know how to get there. 

Hopefully by writing about it and sharing my weakness, fears and struggles I can somehow climb out of this hole I seemed to have fallen in and get some sort of balance and well being.  I can't go on like this. I can't survive being this messy, exhausted,  wrecked nerves, hopeless, fast food eating person that I have been.  

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