Lament

Sunday, August 17, 2014

After my oldest child's near death a dear friend gave me a book she though would help me with my grief. I don't remember the name, something about sticking a flower in your hat but I do remember that it was awful and it could not speak to the immense pain in my heart.  She meant well and I was truly thankful for her friendship during that time.  So when a friend offered a book to me recently my mind went back to the flower book and I feared receiving it again.  

However, the book she have me has been speaking to me on many levels.  It's called "A Sacred Sorrow" I feel like it's not afraid to ask some really hard questions.  I have been having some deep, dark questions for some time now.  I've asked myself if I actually believe all this stuff anymore. 

 I've never felt like I fit into the Christian crowd at church. I've stood among them confused at times feeling like I was pretending and really didn't belong in their weird subculture.  

This book is addressing some of these thoughts for me.  I know that through this current season my faith will either be made stronger or I will loose it all together, but it cannot stay in the place of inconsistancy and doubt that it has been in.  Along those same lines I know that the modern evangelical church is also not a place that I will be returning to anytime in the near future.  I can't tell you how excited I am to move and try to find a church that I feel is home.  

I don't know where my faith stands as of this moment. This book is all I can stand to read right now, faith wise.  Normally, I'm a spiritual junky when it comes to books. But right now I can't stomach the books, nothing can speak to my current struggle.  I'm thankful this book found me in my current season.  As silly as it might sound I've always felt like God gives me the right book at the right time.  




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