on depression...

Thursday, August 14, 2014

 This week has been a strange one. The winds are blowing in change.  Summer is almost over and our time here in Virginia is dwindling down.   I've always been an overly sensitive person and strange as it may be, I crave change but it also causes a certain sadness.
Saying goodbye is never easy.  I'm thankful for the friends I've made throughout our travels but saying goodbye always hurts like hell.  I don't allow too many people to get close to me for that reason. 

Then the death of Robin Williams has been all over the news.  I  found myself weeping on the couch one night while watching clips of Dead Poets Society, no doubt a favorite for us English majors.    I tried to figure out why his death bothered me so much. I don't normally put too much thought into celebrity deaths. 

And I think it scares me to my core.  I would like to think I could never get to a point where taking my own life seemed like a viable option.  But then if I'm being honest with myself, I have wrestled with depression for a long time and my mind has gone there. In the recent years it seems like I half hardheartedly get through most days, just trying to survive and not screw my kids up too much. I hide it. I fight hard to find joy.  I wish I could just snap out of it. Some weeks are good and I hardly remember what the sinking sadness feels like.    I ended up in a mental hospital when I was fourteen after making comments about wanting to kill myself.  Looking back I don't know that I really wanted to die or if I just wanted an escape from the small, Texas town I hated.  Even now I don't really want to die.  I just want peace.

So much talk on social media about if only Mr Williams had known Jesus. But friends some days knowing Jesus is not enough for me.  Some days are dark.  Some days I can only half believe.

I don't have a simple answer.  I only know for me that I have to fight a daily battle to not let the world break me.  Some days I win, some days I loose.  Some days I feel like everything in my life has conspired against me, but then some days I find grace and it's just enough in that moment and I can go on another day.

“The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry.” 

-E. Hemingway 


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