Loss of faith...

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

I knew this was coming.  The only books I've cared to read for the past few years were about people struggling with their faith. People who struggle and cling to it and then those who loose it all together.  I read these books like textbooks, looking for a formula to fix what I'm going through .  I never discovered one. 

How can you believe so strongly in something one day and the next let it fall away.  It reminds me of my days as a hard core, in your face, Peta loving vegetarian.  I hardly even know that person now.  But that was such an integral part of my life then.  But a relatively  easy thing to let fall away.  I just simply started eating meat again and never had too many philosophical conundrums about it. 

But my Christian faith is different. Sometimes I've felt like an intruder standing among the strange rituals of believers.  Like I have no place among them with the raising of the hands and falling of the knees.  Sometimes at the potlucks and communions I'm scared they might find out I've only been pretending. 

But I continued, out of fear, duty, habit?  I don't know. 

I've tried to never base my faith on the circumstances of my life.  Believing when life is good, forgetting when everything goes to shit, that's not faith I'm well aware.  But sometimes those hard years can force you to reexamine everything. 

Sure I've prayed and truly thought I believed.  But have I really ever, believed? 

So here I am.  What do I believe now? I don't know the answer.

I don't pray anymore during seizures.  It never works, so I go for the Valium instead. 

I don't feel any sense of God any more.  If he's there I'm unaware. 

1 comment:

  1. Sometimes in the middle of the storm, its just plain impossible to see the light. No worries. I see it for you. I'm praying peace for you. http://www.aholyexperience.com/2014/06/how-to-keep-going-when-storms-keep-coming-that-might-rend-you-in-two/