Tuesday, February 3, 2015

I was thinking about becoming an atheist but I'm not sure how to do actually do it.  Do atheist think about God?  Because I think about God all day long.  I went to church on Sunday. In my mind it was like the one last chance I was giving church. I sat in the back and felt nothing.  Nothing stirred my heart.  Not the songs, not the sermon.  The only thing that made me feel at all was a little baby boy with a Buddha face sitting a few seats away. 

I knew sitting there that I wasn't coming back.  Maybe ever.

I still don't know what to call myself.  Agnostic?  I've never been fond of that word.  I'm annoyed by people who can't decide if they believe in God or not. I still believe somewhere deep down in a God or something bigger than myself that has guided me through this life.  I just don't know what to call it.  Spiritual?  Puke. I hate that word even more.  I wanna bitch slap people that like to call themselves spiritual. 

As far as the kids go it gets more complicated.  Stella couldn't care less. But, Selah has been raised in the church. It's all she has ever known.  She is at the age where she wants to go out of her own will. We don't really know how to deal with this.  Is dropping her off by herself ok?  Probably not.  How do we explain  we don't want to go to church anymore and we aren't sure what we believe.   There have been a lot of tears on her part. 

Having a faith crisis is messy and complicated. People get their feelings hurt.  This place I'm in is uncomfortable and unfamiliar but I'm ok with that for now. I hope that it will lead to something deeper and I can have peace with what I believe or don't believe in.

2 comments:

  1. Oh friend, my heart aches reading this. Why must you have a label? Also what do you think about God? I'd love to know. And lastly, the bible tells us to not rely on our feelings, Jer. 17:9. It is for good reason. It's very similar to having to still complete the basic chores of life (eating meals, feeding chickens, taking care of the kids) out of obedience instead of want. Things seem easier when you feel nothing. I get it. I understand. Life can be so hard. So hopeless. But we are told in the end 3 things remain, Faith, Hope and Love. Love being the greatest. So keep loving the babies if that is what speaks to you. Make sure to keep loving hubby too. Keep that faith that while this world is screwed up, there is a heaven. and don't lose hope that because you aren't feeling much these days means you are alone. He is ALWAYS there. Regarding Selah, explain to her life changes and your normal activities change. Her bible will always stay the same and her ability to worship with music is always there. And finally, you should tell her you are having a hard time and trying to just make it day to day. Always open and honest. I love your family so much! I am sorry I was so lazy and didn't do better about being more intentional about spending time with you guys!

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  2. Thanks Shanee, I appreciate your words! It's hard when you have identified as something for so long and then suddenly your not that anymore. I was a vegetarian for 10 years which is its own weird subculture and then I wasn't anymore. It took me awhile to find that I didn't need that label anymore and I still loved animals, cared about the food system etc and those things didn't change for me just because I started eating meat again. But it was weird at first. I feel like this is kind of the same thing. I feel like this is a good thing and hopefully this will usher me into something deeper. Because I've been "faking" for a long time. People kept telling me not to trust how I felt and I didn't but there comes a point when I have to be honest with myself as scary as it is. I'm not giving up on God just looking for him or her in a different way. Peace.

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