I'm done...

Monday, February 23, 2015

  It seems like every time I write about my struggles with faith I get comments from people who are in the same place spiritually and they encourage me to keep writing what I feel no matter how much it might offend or upset people.

I get comments from people out of love encouraging me to hold on to my faith, to not rely on feelings, to keep going to church even though I have no desire.  

I get condescending messages from people saying they will praying for me, but really it feels like their prayers will be for me to start thinking  just like them.  

I get messages saying if I were truly a Christian to begin with I would be transformed by Christ. I guess I did something wrong.  I don't feel transformed. I don't feel anything at all.  It's easier not to feel than to think about death everyday.  

Some would say my faith was never  real to begin with if it has been based on God's granting my wishes and commands.  To that I would say after my oldest child almost died my faith never wavered. Not once.  I never asked God why. 

But a person can only take so much before enough is enough is Enough... 

I think back to when I first began going to church.  In high school I would sneak to the Catholic Church the next town over.  In my house growing up church was not something we did.  Christians were hypocritical morons. George Bush was the epitome.  Still I was drawn.  Then when I learned of Jesus and later St Francis I was drawn even more.  Somehow I got lost into the world of non-denominational churches and I never felt I fit in.  That thing that first drew me in disappeared.  But still I kept going.  I kept pretending. 

I feel like everything in the universe has been conspiring against me and leading me to this moment.  You win. I give up. 

I'm tired of having an argument in my head of why God is real.  I'm loosing. 

I just can't anymore.

 Maybe I'll become an atheist, or maybe I will start using that dreaded word I hate agnostic or even worse "spiritual."  I don't know anymore what I believe about anything.  But I'm ok with the questions.  Questions used to scare me but they no longer do.

  I will continue to read Rumi, Rilke, Anne Lamott, The Psalms, the books that make me feel God in some small way.  I might continue going to the Presbyterian church if only for the reason that I need some sort of community right now.

I've been listening to Hallelujah a lot lately.  I heard Anne Lamott say recently this song could break her out of whatever mood or trance she might be under.  I listened thinking it could snap me out of this whole disillusionment, but then when I really listen and I read Leonard's words of what the song actually means I begin to understand Hallelujah and I feel at peace for the first time in a long time.

"The only moment that you can live here comfortably in these absolutely irreconcilable conflicts is in this moment when you embrace it all and you say, 'Look, I don't understand a fucking thing at all – Hallelujah!' That's the only moment that we live here fully as human beings."



4 comments:

  1. I can only speak for myself here. When I say I'm praying for you, it's for you to find peace and comfort, to remember God IS there for you and it's my way of showing love. I don't think any of those things means that any your questions will get answered. I really just want you to stop arguing with yourself too. Just love yourself. Because I really love you friend.

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  2. And, oh, I"m glad you are feeling peace! That warms my heart!

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  4. Wish we were there to give you a hug and just sit with you. Praying that the peace you've found gives you the rest you need.

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