To lighten the load...

Sunday, June 7, 2015

Something happened to me last Sunday. David left early in the morning for Florida, he was supposed to be gone for two weeks total.  I spent the day being productive with the kids, painting, playing in the yard and trying not to rush their bedtime.  At the end of the day when it got quiet part of me thought, ok you've got this and the other part thought, oh shit two weeks is a long time.  I sat down to drink my nightly two glasses of wine and watched Grace and Frankie on Netflix.  I went to bed around 11 pm.  Around midnight I woke up to get Paloma some water and then tried to lay back down but before I was fully back asleep I got up and immediately knew something was very wrong with me.  My heart was racing, my breath labored and I was hallucinating.  I called 911 like I've done many times struggling to get my address past my lips. I told them I thought I might be having a heartattack.

I gathered all Paloma's meds put them in the middle of the living room floor and wrote a note explaining to the paramedics that she had epilepsy and her med doses  They got to my house really quickly.  At that point I could feel my throat closing smaller and smaller.  This one paramedic who has been to my house several times now kept telling me to calm down and breathe but all I could do was freak out and scream.  I felt like I was on the verge of dying at any second.  By this time my neighbor was in my living room watching the whole thing unfold.  I barely know this person but I was screaming for him to tell David I love him and to make sure the kids are ok. 

They gave me several more doses but it still wouldn't come down.  I could feel the medicine going through my body, first my mouth then my heart  then all the way down to my feet. It was a strange out of body experience.  They tried Ativan next and I remember lying there staring at the bright lights thinking this must be what its like for Paloma.  I even wondered if I could be having a seizure as by this time I was shaking uncontrollably.  I have no recollection of most of the night but apparently I called my dad at 3 am and told him I was dying. 

They finally got my heart rate down and kicked me out half conscious into the arms of my stranger neighbor.  The next day was a blur.  I was in and out of consciousness, making no sense. The neighbors had all of the kids.  David still in Florida called my pastor and she came over and sat with me all day while I puked and said half crazy things.  They diagnosed me with fast heart rate.  I have to go back for more testing this week.  It could very well have been a panic attack, that seems to be what everyone I know thinks.  But, I've had panic attacks before, this was a panic attack from hell. 

I thought for sure I would die. I kept seeing black hole appear getting smaller and smaller like I was about to pass out.  I wasn't scared of the dying part but I was so worried about Paloma.  What would Paloma's life be like without me?  Would David  remember when her med times were?  Would he have to hire a nurse to take care of her? Would he be so beaten down that he would accept all the pharmas her nuero tries to pimp out on me every appointment. 

It scared me.  I've been trying to get healthy for some time but I had no desire whatsoever.  I have the desire now. I hope it lasts. This week I did a lot of things I should have done a long time ago.  I signed up for yoga class, signed up for the military respite program which will provide a caretaker to come watch the kids a couple of hours a week.  I made a therapy appointment.  I ate a vegetarian diet all week. I was previously a vegetarian for 10 years.  I didn't drink.  I painted, I read, I tried to not be on the internet all day.  The result is this Sunday I feel lighter.  I feel like the load of everything is little lighter on my shoulders. 

Why does it take such a shock to the system to wake some of us to the need to take care of ourselves?  It really hit me, if I don't take care of myself I can't take of anyone especially Paloma. 


  1. Oh gosh! How incredibly scary! It sounds like a panic attack to me also but I'm no doctor. I'm glad you did some things for you. I always try to remember I have to be able to put on my own oxygen mask first. Prayers for peace and calm.

  2. Oh dear, I am so sorry to hear of this and know it must have been terrifying for you to go through. I'm glad that you're taking some time to care for yourself.

  3. Thank you Elizabeth, you know all too well what its like. :)