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Saturday, May 7, 2016

The Truth is...

When the therapist asks me if I look forward to drinking, I slouch into her cliched over sized leather sofa and unapologetically say yes. Some days the highlight.  Some days I  think about the hour when I can  relax, take my first sip and wait for the slow burn to make its way down my throat.

I never cared much for drinking until a few years ago. Maybe on Thanksgiving, a glass of cheap champagne or after a day spent at my parents where the Keystone flowed freely, but there was always a careful approach to drinking.

After seeing your grown daddy piss in the corner because he was so wasted he thought it the toilet, after years of passing by the hole in the bathroom closet in the perfect shape of my mother where on some drunken rage he'd thrown her. For what I don't remember now. After staying with my grandmother in the summers watching her binge vodka in her closet, drinking rightly scared me so.

But now like most good addictions go I've given myself strict rules not to be broken. I tell myself I'll only drink on the weekends, soon Thursday is almost the weekend and before I know it the weekend has no real start or end.  I tell myself its ok, after all I have a disabled child. I'm under so much pressure, I have to do something to release it, the advice given by mother.

The truth is I'm probably on my way to becoming a real life alcoholic, the kind that has to go to A.A. to get help.  My therapist suggests I quit drinking now before it gets to that point. "Perhaps try meditation instead."  I nod my head to her suggestion knowing full well I will probably stop off at the liquor store on the way home.

I'm one of those all or nothing kind of people.  I don't know that I could ever have a normal relationship with drinking again. Like my parents and grandmother before me, I've let it fill me up too much in ways no physical thing should be allowed to.  

4 comments:

  1. Lindsay you are very brave putting this kind of subject matter on here. It probably wasn't easy. I feel like people have a hard time being open about issues like this. My hope for you is that doing this can help you to get where you need to be about it. Alcohol addiction can be a real strong hold and I am praying for you. such a slippery slope I know. Love you my friend.

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  2. I'm thinking about you, wishing you lived closer and I'd come and swoop you up and we'd talk and laugh and bitch and moan. I'm sending love. Call me if you need to talk.

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  3. Oh, my. What an entry. I felt the ghost of the addiction pass through me as I read it. Wow.

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